Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum053

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 133KB

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Date:         Sun, 13 Mar 1994 06:35:45 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00053"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 11:38:03 EDT
Reply-To:     Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New Jewish-Catholic religion

With the recent rapproachment between the Vatican and
Israel, it was reported that the Pope decided to go even
further. He proposed that the two faiths join together and
be now called by a new name: OiVey Maria! (sounds better
when spoken).

======================================================
Jack Zibert, Ph.D.           Internet: [e-mail]
St. Bonaventure University   Phone:  [phone]
St. Bonaventure, NY 14778    FAX:    [phone]
======================================================
                       Nobody's prefect.
======================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 12:13:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Drunk

Sven Friberg [[e-mail]] mentioned:

>There are three levels of drunkness:

and proceeded to refer to actions taken in cabs/on cabrides, but the way
that i heard it was:

the three levels of drunkenness are when the drinker becomes

1. bellicose
2. lacrimose
3. comatose

:)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 13:11:48 EST
Reply-To:     Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Cindy Bannister <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UPDATE ON INTERNET FRAUD

Forwarded message:
> From: Melvin Klassen <KLASSEN@UVVM>
> Susan C. Bredesen <[e-mail]> writes:
> > Well, folks, I received the attached on GO4LIB-L. I have no idea how true
> > it is. But, I am cross-posting it
> >**************** START ATTACHED MSG ****************************************
> >From:    Vianne Tang <[e-mail]>
> >This warning is cross-posted
> >  Below is a message I received through the COMMUNET listserver (via my
> >  American Online Account):
> >  From: Scott A. Ward 703-614-4719 <[e-mail]>
> > A company calling itself the International Internet Association, and billing
> > itself as "the largest non-profit provider of free Internet access in
> > the world" has started advertizing in the Washington, D.C. area, and offering
> > free Internet accounts to individuals who will FAX them, among other things,
> > a credit card number.  As an active member of the Member Council of the
> > National Capital Area Public Access Network (CapAccess), I wanted to find
> > more about this organization that supposedly has offices NOT THREE BLOCKS
> > FROM CAPACCESS.
> >
> >  Here's the result of my search for the IIA.
> >
> >  1.  Their address, listed as "Suite 852 - 202 Pennsylvania Ave, N.W.
> >    Washington D.C. 20006", is actually a post office box at Mailboxes, Etc.
> >
> >  2.  The company lists no incorporation, trademark or service-mark licenses.
> >
> >  3.  They claim your E-mail address would be <userid>@iia.org.
> >  However:
> >        a.  No iia.org is listed in the   hq.af.mil hosts table
> >        b.  No iia.org is listed in the acq.osd.mil hosts table
> >        c.  No iia.org is listed is the INTERNIC 'whois' database
> >        d.  No iia.org is listed using the INTERNIC 'netfind' Internet lookup
> >  In other words, IIA.ORG does NOT, at this time, exist.
>
> Note that "modern" hosts use the Internet name-servers, not "hosts-tables". :-)
> I get very(!) **different** results when I search at INTERNIC.NET, namely:
> | Whois: international internet ass.
> | International Internet Association (IIA2-DOM)                      IIA.ORG
> | International Internet Association (MARY-HST) MARY.IIA.ORG      198.4.75.9
> | Whois: mary-hst
> | International Internet Association (MARY-HST)
> |
> |    Hostname: MARY.IIA.ORG
> |    Address: 198.4.75.9
> |    System: SUN running UNIX
> |
> |    Host Administrator:
> |       Bochicchio, Charleen  (CB45)  [e-mail]
> |       [phone] (FAX) [phone]
> |
> |    Domain Server
> |    Record last updated on 01-Dec-93.
> |
> | Whois: iia2-dom
> | International Internet Association (IIA2-DOM)
> |    30 South First Avenue
> |    Highland Park, NJ 08904
> |    Domain Name: IIA.ORG
> |    Administrative Contact, Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
> |       Bochicchio, Charleen  (CB45)  [e-mail]
> |       [phone] (FAX) [phone]
> |    Record last updated on 01-Dec-93.
> |    Domain servers in listed order:
> |
> |    MARY.IIA.ORG                 198.4.75.9
> |    NS.UU.NET                    137.39.1.3
> Melvin Klassen <KLASSEN@UVVM
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 16:50:52 -0500
Reply-To:     Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Class Time (Clean)

A friend of mine was teaching first grade sunday school.  She was
telling her first graders about Lot and his wife.  When she got to the
point of them leaving Sodom, she said that Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt.  One of her first graders replied that
something like that happened to her mother.  She was leaving the grocery
store, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole.

----------------------------------------------------

Another friend of mine was teaching college.  It was a large class and
he did not know all of the student's names.  Half way back, there was
a student who was sleeping.  He asked the student next to him to reach over
and wake him up to which this student replied "You put him to sleep, you
wake him up."

---------------------------------------------------

(honesty is the best policy: I really did not know the person that either
of these things happened to
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 17:12:15 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Offensive to Lawyers (What, again?)

"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace,
that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress!
And by God I have had this Congress!"
        -John Adams (As portrayed in the musical "1776")

********************************************************************************(
        "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."
*******************************************************************************
        Rick Dahm                       *       [e-mail]
Dept. of English and Linguistics        *
Indiana-Purdue University at Fort Wayne *
*********************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 15:39:47 -0700
Reply-To:     Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Turned into a WHAT?
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Mon, 10 Jan 1994, Jim Muncy wrote:

> something like that happened to her mother.  She was leaving the grocery
> store, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole.

Along the same lines, I was driving along the highway the other day, and I
saw this, um, FINE-looking young lady hitchhiking. Being the Good
Samaritan that I am, I stopped, picked her up, and then continued on. You
know, she must have been a magician. (you all ask "WHY is THAT, DOUG?") -
Well, at one point, she touched my thigh, and I turned into a motel..

--
Doug Brunelle        -- This space                [e-mail]
10412 N. 73rd Ave.          intentionally              voice:
Peoria, AZ 85345                left blank --      [phone]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 19:29:51 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rejection of SM lifestyle <adult themes>

This article may not be humorous to people who are into bondage and
related form of sexual behavior. However, to others it will probably
be amusing if not funny. The article came to my attention by reading
best-of-usenet.

Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage
From: [e-mail] (Lauren P. Burka)
Subject: why i don't pick up people in the s/m scene
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 00:08:17 GMT

1)  i want to be treated as a person, not a thing.

i will argue to the death that s/m does not subvert decades of progress
by the women's liberation movement.  sexual and gender freedom does not
mean adherance to yet another set of rigidly-defined gender roles.
however, every time yet another net.male sends me mail expecting me to
kneel at his feet or beat him or live up to his fantasies just because
he's a man and he has a god-given right to the female attention he
deserves just like those guys in the beer commercials, i want to die
laughing or throw up.

if i date vanillas, at least they spend some time getting to know me
before they present me with a list of sexual demands.

2)  picking up strangers is too dangerous.

i just had lunch with a dear friend in which she related to me the
sordid tale of an email correspondence in which the male who solicited
her attention acted like he wanted to submit to her.  he then proceeded
to disobey direct orders, phone her at numbers he wasn't allowed to use,
attempt to impose his fantasies on her behavior rather than engage in
negotiation, and send mail to third parties in which he made vague
threats towards her own slave.

given the number of women slain in massachussetts every week by
obsessive lovers, this is enough to make me sign up for firearms lessons
tomorrow.

3)  i'm attracted to personalities rather than abstract kinks.

this is really the converse of 1).  a friend of mine in the sex therapy
profession likes to make comments about "love maps" and how
intelligence, wit charm, and respect are higher in mine than a couple of
leather straps.  this comes off sounding a bit cold and clinical, but
it's true.

4)  i prefer people of my own age and education level.

my first boyfriend was 11 years older than i was and had quit college
after 3 semesters.  somewhat coincidentally i dumped him after i had
been away at school 3 semesters.  i'm a grad student now.  i get along
better with peers.

i'm a sexually aware and outspoken woman with some writing talent.  i'm
not your jerkoff toy.  i'm not for sale.  i'm not your fantasy.  i don't
care how vanilla your wife is, and i don't find self-pity attractive.
i'm not impressed by your experience topping or bottoming to other
net.women.  you're probably making most of it up.

and you there, the one in the corner, thinking smugly that i couldn't
possibly be talking about your witty correspondence.  think again.

now go get a life.

Source: -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet --
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 17:01:45 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.B     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 5 Sep 88

----------------------------------------------------

From Curt Gerling in the Webster Herald:
     The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery.  Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.

sign I have seen in local department stores:
        1.  Ears pierced, while you wait
        (I hope so)

My favorite confused person was the woman who asked my father for
two forms of ID when he had given her a 20. He hadned her his drivers liscense

----------------------------------------------------
(To appreciate this joke fully it should be realized that the net spent two
months with various versions of the three strings and punchline of "I'm afraid knot.")

  A Net.addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. He was so addicted
to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone
in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in soc.women and soc.men that
he failed to notice that he was low on gas.
  Suddenly, in the country (ie out of the city), he ran out of gas. He pondered
his dilemma briefly before he started walking, looking for a gas station.
  At one juncture, he decided to cross a farmer's field. Halfway across
the field, he encountered a gigantic pig. He was a little worried because
of the size of the pig, but he tried to carry on non-chalantly. Just as
he began to pass the pig, to his amazement , the pig began to speak:
  "Aren't you going to pay the toll for crossing this field?" the pig asked
the Net.addict.
  "No," responded the Net.addict. "I'm a frayed knot. Are you going to attack
me for not paying the toll?"
  "Well, yes," replied the pig. "I'm a feared sow."

----------------------------------------------------

   A couple of years ago I was working a part-time summer job at a glass
shop.  We fixed windows and sold glass cut to specifications.
   One day, a lady entered the store (basic common American housewife type)
she told me she wanted a piece of single-strength glass 12" by 24". I
remember her drawing, with her index fingers, an imaginary prototype...

     12"
   +----+
   !    !
   !    ! 24"   <---------
   !    !
   !    !
   +----+

   I went back into the shop and cut her the piece she wanted (12"x24").
I returned to the counter, and set the glass on the counter on its
side... because in that position it was less likely to tip and shatter.

         24"
   +--------------+
   !              !  12"     <---------
   +--------------+

   "How's that?", I queried.
The lady became quite flustered...  "Didn't you HEAR me?", she said.
"I wanted it cut 12 by 24, NOT 24 by 12!"

   I rotated the glass 90 degrees for her... again set it down... and
again questioned "How's that?"
   Needless to say she was rather embarrassed and she paid and left promptly.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 20:30:03 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dealing with roommate

       Different Ways to Get Your Male Roommate to Bug Off

#1  Get him laid.  That's what he really needs.  He will stop paying
    attention to you and pay attention to someone else.

#2  Use the direct approach.  When he comes in, say, "I'm doing
    homework now.  Can I talk to you later?."  If that's too polite,
    say "Go away now.  I'm doing homework."

#3  Use the "bad cat" approach.  Purchase a high-powered squirt
    gun.  Whenever he does something like that, say "I'm doing my
    homework.  Anyone interrupting me will be wet."  Then, blast away.
    He's been warned.  I've discovered that this is an excellent way
    to keep my cat from scratching the furniture.  I yelled at him and
    moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention.
    After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently.
    Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.

#4  Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the
    Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow.  Turn it on and play
    it really loud when you don't want to be interrupted.

#5  Set a small bear trap near the door.  Cover it with a towel.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 10 Jan 1994 21:07:11 EST
Reply-To:     Discussion list for students in Lambda <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Originally-From: John Younger <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: GEELKINS@ECUVM1
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Christmas cheer

"Parents in Grand Saline, Texas, removed a picture of Santa Claus from a
school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan".

"Which caused Esquire editors to note that the letters in "Grand Saline,
Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Grand Anal Sex Site"."

I thought it worth a chuckle.

John Younger

RICH ELKINS   SENIOR-GEOGRAPHY, MINOR-INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
346 GARRETT HALL, EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY (ECU)
GREENVILLE, NC 27858   [phone]
BITNET: GEELKINS@ECUVM1   INTERNET: [e-mail]
VAX: [e-mail]  (FOR INTERACTIVE STUFF)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 12:59:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Aids and sex

#1

This was actually told to me by a doctor during a life insurance medical:

This guy meets a woman in a hotel bar and as these things tend to happen in all
of the best jokes the two of them end up in her room to have sex. After climax
has been achieved the guy proceeds to get dressed. The woman turns to him and
says "Look, I know that it's a bit late now to ask you this, but everyone talks
about it these days and, well, I thought that I should ask you anyway. You
don't have aids, do you?" The guy suitably shocked and flustered answers "Of
course not." "Thank God", says the women, "cos I wouldn't like to catch a
second dose of that stuff!"


#2

This joke was originally based in Canada with Newfoundlers as the puny guy, but
you can insert your own persecuted minority.

Sam and Ben were 2 'ok' guys, who worked out at the gym each day to improve
their muscle definition and whatnot. They worked in the same office as William,
who was short, thin, weak, puny. Sam and Ben regularly amused themselves by
treating William as a doormat.

On their way to the gym one night Sam and Ben were passing a house when the
upstairs window was flung open and a gorgeous, well-endowed woman leaned out
and said "Sex. Give me more sex!". Sam and Ben duly tossed a coin to see who
would respond and Sam won. He entered the house, went upstairs, closed the
window and returned 30 minutes later. Ben asked him how he did. Sam replied
"Great! We did it 3 times! and she has a board next to the bed. After each time
she makes a mark on the board with a piece of charcoal."

Just then the window is flung open again and the same woman shouts "Sex. Give
me more sex!" Ben smiles at Sam and swaggers into the house. After 1 hour Sam
returns looking somewhat shagged, but with a smug look on his face. Sam asked
him how he did. Sam replies "Magnificent. She made 7 marks on the board with
the charcoal with me!" Before Sam can respond they notice that William is
coming along the street.

As William reaches the house surprise, surprise the window opens again and the
woman shouts "Sex. Give me more sex!". Sam and Ben look at each other, but
shake their heads as neither is up to it both being shagged out. However, to
their surprise William looks up and then walks into the house. Sam and Ben
laugh and decide to wait to see if William can manage more than a couple of
minutes. After 15 minutes there's no sign of him. After 30 minutes there are
noises coming from the bedroom. After 1 hour Sam and Ben hear shouts and
screams from upstairs. "God", says Ben, "she must be killing him!" After 90
minutes they decide that perhaps they should go in the house to see if William
is alright deciding that he must be too weak to even get out of the house. ASt
that moment the window bursts open. William's head appears and he shouts
"Charcoal. Give me more charcoal!"

My apologies to all charcoal manufacturers.

Mike R
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 05:23:17 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Scriven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Penis enhancement.

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
         R. 19.16, Rijswijk Main, EPO, The Hague, NL
         IEA:  [e-mail]
Subject: Penis enhancement.

   The man who's penis was cut off by his wife, while he slept, has been
told it may be possible to have it re - attached.  He is now hoping to
put it behind him.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 14:04:11 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Husin Mubarak, Once Again

A man was put on trial for calling Husni Mubarak (Egypt's president)
a BULL. The judege sentenced him to thirty years in prison. "Why ?"
The man complained. "Six months for insulting the president" the judge
answered. "and the rest for exposing state's secrets !"
Mo,
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 13:03:19 +0100
Reply-To:     Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      things to do, a robbery, court humor

Here are some things to do when you're in a less than happy mood:

     1. Free your spider collection.
     2. Grab someone's nose and don't let go.
     3. Threaten bunnies.
     4. Tailgate.
     5. Short-sheet the bed.
     6. Gnash your teeth.
     7. Drive at 25 mph on the freeway.
     8. Snore loudly.
     9. Bite people.
    10. Take the last cookie.

        *       *       *       *       *

Robber: I'm going to shoot you
Man: Why?
Robber: Because I shoot anyone who looks like me
Man: Do I look like you?
Robber: Yes
Man: Then shoot!

        *       *       *       *       *

Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man  : Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play
       the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
--
--------------------------[ Words Of Wisdom ]------------------------------
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
| Nico Verboven               | UIA  University of Antwerp in Belgium     |
| 1e Lic. informatica         | ethernet: [e-mail]          |
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 08:46:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Debbie Lajoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubscribe

please unsubscribe Kathy Laclair from this list serv.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 09:49:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Debbie Lajoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unsubscribe

Please take me off this list server ... thank you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 09:54:18 -0500
Reply-To:     Nancy S Burton <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nancy S Burton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      condoms

In this age of students campaigning for the rights to condom
machines in their dormitories, I have never understood
why some pundit did not choose to call these collegiate domiciles "condo-miniums."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 11:07:44 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      49 lines, clean

From my friend  Macey in Poland:  49 lines
   Dictionary of Evaluation Comments - Some of you might like to know what
the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work
performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:                        Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:   Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:                Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:               Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:       Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:            Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:                 Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:            Conceited.
SEEKS OPPORTUNITIES TO PROGRESS:        Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:     Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:           A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:      Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:  Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:                 Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:              Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:            Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:  Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:      Scared.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:   Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:             Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:        A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:            Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
      A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:                 Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:     Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:                     Wanted by no one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:          An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:   Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:                            Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:                             Needs more to do.
                                        Can't get on anywhere else
HAPPY:                                  Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:                         Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:      Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:         Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:                            A relative of the management.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:                  Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:  Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:    Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:     Create new title to get this person out of the
                                production area.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 11:34:04 -0500
Reply-To:     Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Muncy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Watch who you pick on (Clean)

There was this little guy sitting on a bar stool.  A big strong guy
walks in and sits down beside him.  Out of nowhere the big guy hits the
little guy, knocking him off of his stool.  As the little guy gets up
the big guy looks at him and says "thats Karate from Japan."  In a couple
of minutes the big guy slugs the little guy again, knocking him off of his
stool.  As he gets up this time, the big guy says "thats taekwondo from
Korea."  This time the little guy leaves.  The big felt real tuff and was
bragging to all of those in the bar how tough he was.  As he left the bar
he was knocked up side the head, putting him out like a block of ice.
Standing over him was the little guy saying "That's a crow bar from Sears."

--------------------------------------------

There were this motorcycle gang that pulled up to a bar.  In the bar was
a truck driver.  For fun, they thought they would pick on the truck driver.
First, they poured his soup into his lap.  Then they pulled his cigarettes
out of his pocket and broke all of them.  Finally, they kicked out his
stool from under him.  Having all of this he could stand, he left.

The gang was having a great time.  They laughed to the waitress "He sure
wasn't much of a man, was he?"

"No, I guess he wasn't" she replied.  "He must not have been too good of
a truck driver either because he just ran over twelve motorcycles
with his truck as he was leaving."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 09:03:50 PST
Reply-To:     Bob Hermann <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bob Hermann <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unsubscibe

Pleas unsubscribe Bob Hermann from this list ......thank you!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 10:01:09 -0700
Reply-To:     Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mathematica

Beauty times brains equals a constant.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 18:48:57 +0100
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ruben Janez Fernandez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      superheros,also Monty Pyton(sex)

        This is a translation (bad) to english of a joke a friend
told me.

        In a party of superheros everybody seemed to have a nice
time except Hulk, he's angry because he'd not been invited.  He
suddenly appears at the party breaking the door and begins to
break everything. In that moment he saw supergirl in a corner,
she was naked and against a wall.  Hulk gets undresed and goes on
her.

        Do you know how the party finished?





















        The invisible man got a new asshole.


--------------------------------------------------
        Now ,I've seen somebody asking for the e-mail adress of
The Knigts of the Round Table of Monthy Pyton. There it goes:

        [e-mail]


                                Ruben
                                [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 11:56:37 CDT
Reply-To:     SMUTO <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         SMUTO <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      WOMEN'S RULES

1.   The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
2.   THE RULES are subject to change at any time WITHOUT PRIOR
     NOTIFICATION.
3.   No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.
4.   If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES, she must
     immediately change SOME or ALL OF THE RULES.
5.   To INSURE the MALE remains on his toes, the FEMALE  will change
     the rules on a random abandon basis.
6.   The FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.
7.   If the FEMALE is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
     misunderstanding which was a DIRECT RESULT of something the
     MALE DID OR SAID wrong.
8.   If RULE 6 applies, the MALE must apologize immediately for
     causing the misunderstanding.
9.   The FEMALE can change her mind at ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
10.  The MALE MUST NEVER change his mind without EXPRESS WRITTEN
     CONSENT FROM THE FEMALE.
11.  The FEMALE has EVERY RIGHT to be angry or upset AT ANY TIME.
12.  The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE WANTS
     him to be angry or upset.
13.  The FEMALE must under NO circumstances let the MALE know whether
     or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
14.  The MALE is expected to mind read  AT ALL TIMES.
15.  The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES, can't take the heat, and
     lacks a backbone is an inflexible and uncooperative wimp.
16.  ANY attempt to document THE RULES could result in BODILY HARM.
17.  If the FEMALE has PMS, ALL THE RULES ARE NULL AND VOID.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 13:34:55 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Hawkeye -- Don't Worry! Be Happy! };^>" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Bobbit joke...

I understand that after his Wife's trial, John Wayne Bobbitt intends tomove to
California and get a job as a UNIX (EUNUCHS) system salesman.  He has the
qualifications.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 19:27:00 -0600
Reply-To:     LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious, but clean

This one will test your religeous background.  I have found
that Catholics, especially those of us who went to YEARS of
Catholic schools( with nuns), get the biggest kick out of this.

Recall the bible story of the adultress who is about to be
stoned by the crowd.  The officials ask Jesus what should be done.
Jesus just draws in the dirt, they press him further asking what
should be done about the woman.   Jesus looks up and says "Let
you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone."  The
people gathered started to leave.  Suddenly there is a rumble
in the crowd.  An area opens up and an old woman walks up to
the adultress.  She picks up a stone and hits the adultress
with it.  Jesus looks up and says "Mom, sometimes you really
piss me off!"

Explanation is at the end of this message if you don't
get it.

Laurie Roach
[e-mail]

P.S.  Is there anyone out there that works at Hampshire
College in Amherst, Mass.?  If so please contact me.

As any "good Catholic" , and a few other religions, know,
Mary (Jesus' mother) was born without sin.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 11 Jan 1994 19:58:19 +0000
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Walsh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Medical problem

    Dear Doctor,
                I wish to apply for an opperation to make me sterile.
 My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and
having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that
contraceptives are absolutely useless.
    After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method ",
whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha.
    My doctor then suggested we use the safe period.  At this time we
were living with the "inlaws" and we had to wait three weeks for a
safe period, when the house was empty - needless to say this didn't
work.
    A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made
love while breast-feeding we would be alright.  It's hardly Guinness
(pick your own beer), but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair
and another child on the way.
    Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after
sex this would prevent pregnancy.  After breast-feeding (from
earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with
two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconcious.
    I asked a chemist about the condom.  He demonstrated how easy it
was to use so I bought a packet.  My wife fell pregnant again, which
doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the
thumb can prevent a baby.
    My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many
unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realised that we had got a left-
handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
    The Dutch cap came next !  We wrer very hopeful of this as it did
not interfere with our sex-life at all.  But alas.....  it did give
my wife a severe headache.  We were given the largest size, but it
was still too tight across her forehead.
    Finally we tried the pill.  At first it kept falling out, then we
realised we were doing it wrong.  My wife started then to put it
between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her.
 This did work for a while until the night she forgot it.... another
child resulted.

    You must appreciate my problem if this operation is unsuccessful
I shall have to revert to oral sex, although I don't mind just
talking about it, but it could never be the same as the real thing.

    Yours faithfully,

        Mickey Pullem.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 14:37:31 MFTIME
Reply-To:     Margus Freudenthal <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Margus Freudenthal <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Mathematica

Doug Brunelle <[e-mail]> said:
> Beauty times brains equals a constant.
   It is also known that total intellect on the earth is a constant, but
populty grows and grows...


------------------------------------
       Margus Freudenthal
  E-mail: [e-mail]
------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 08:40:28 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Tenney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Native American Joke

May be offensive to Native Americans.

A community of settlers was moving in on an Indian Tribe. Most Indian tribes
had a medicine man who was the leader of the tribe.  Well the settlers were
planning to move the Indians off their land to build a town.  The big chief of
the Indians did not like it at all. So he decided to go to the settlers and
tell them that he was not moving.
The big chief finds one settler and says, "ME BIG CHIEF WANT TO SEE MEDICINE
MAN!"
The settler had no idea what the chief was talking about, so he sent him to
the pharmacist down the road.
The chief says to the pharmacist,"YOU MEDICINE MAN??"
The pharmacist replies,"yes."
The chief says "ME BIG CHIEF NO MOVE!!" Well the pharmacist thinks that the
Indian must be constipated, so he gives him some ex-lax and sends him on his
way.
A week later the chief shows up again and says, "ME BIG CHIEF STILL NO MOVE!"
The pharmacist thought about it for a minute and gave him another package of
ex-lax and sent him on his way.
The next week the chief shows up again and says, "ME BIG CHIEF GOT TO MOVE!!!"
The pharmacist says, "why?".
And the Indian replies "BECAUSE TEEPEE FULL OF SHIT!!!!"

________________________________________________________________________
|           EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY - HOME OF THE PIRATES!            |
|----------------------------------------------------------------------|
| ROBBIE W. TENNEY           | BITNET  : CSTENNEY @ECUVM1.BITNET       |
| COMPUTER OPERATIONS        | INTERNET: CSTENNEY @ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU   |
| EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY   | VAX     : CSTENNEY @ECUVAX.CIS.ECU.EDU  |
| GREENVILLE, NC  27858-4353 | USPS    : 121 RIVERBLUFF ROAD APT. #120 |
| [phone] (4PM - 12AM)|           GREENVILLE, NC 27858          |
|                            | TEL. #  : [phone]                |
|______________________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 09:06:45 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      worse than Redskins & Bobbitt trial

        The Washington Post has a column that it calls the Style Invitational
that invites readers to answer a question in a humorous way.  The past week's
was:
        Can you come up with something that is worse than the Washington
Redskins (for out of towners, the 'Skins won the superbowl 2 years ago, lost
in the second round of the playoffs last year and won 4 of 16 games this year.)

        Some or the more appealing (or unappealing) entries were:

        Being born with the name Lee Harvey Hitler.
        Discovering you have a long lost half brother named Bill Clinton, but
he works at the Dixie Pig.
        Execution by 'lethal suppository.'
        You win the powerball jackpot the day after you enter the Witness
Protection Program.
        Amputation by paper cut.
        You realize Bea Arthur is beginning to look Pret-ty Sexy.
        You see your son-in-law in a gay pride demonstration.
        You are the guy who has to tell a post office employee he's fired.
        La Toya Jackson could be _YOUR_ sister.
        You find the tinfoil in your hat no longer deters evil thoughts.
        WETA (local PBS affilliate) gets the rights to NFL Games and half time
lasts two days.
        Noticing Pee-Wee Herman is sitting behind you at the movies.

AND FINALLY:
        Your wife finds out via her father and her boss at the bank that
you have again gambled away Christmas money instead of using it to pay for
your underage girlfriend's abortion like you promised the last time you
were sober.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lorena Bobbitt trial is also a local event in Washington.  Manassas is
Just down the road from us.  John Wayne Bobbitt was a guest witness yesterday.
His most memorable line:
        "I have nothing to hide."

Most memorable answer:

Defense Lawyer: Mr. Bobbitt, you wouldn't want to mislead anyone with
        the truth now, would you.
JW Bobbitt:        "No."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 14:20:24 GMT
Reply-To:     Colin Kirwan <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Colin Kirwan <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (PG) WARNING.

      Just a little warning for anyone who finds themselves having a
couple of drinks with Micheal Jackson

      After a couple of Pints
            DONT say "Lets go get a couple of 'BABES'"or you could end
up in a nursery not a singles bar.


                                 Colin.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 17:14:00 +0200
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Chelm story

     For those un-familiar, Chelm is a real town in
North-Central Poland, whose people were fabled to be fools.

  Vocabulary -
  Melamed - A teacher of Hebrew and religious studies for children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

            The Melamed's Trunk

    In the synagogue in Chelm this is inscribed on the platform
from which the Torah is read:

    A melamed is forbidden three things:

      1. He may not live on a hill
      2. He may not have a suitcase
      3. He may not eat strudle.

    You see, it had been the custom in Chelm for boys to be examined
orally Friday evening on their lessons.  One friday morning a melamed
came to tutor the son in a Chelmite's house.  He noticed a strudle
in the kitchen and asked the servant, "What's that?"
    "A strudle," she replied.
    The melamed went home and, giving his wife a two-zloty coin,
told her to bake a strudle.  Instead she used the money to buy her son
a pair of shoes.  When the melamed asked, "Where is the strudle?" she
told him what she had done and he flew into a rage.
    Now, as it happened, there was an open trunk on wheels standing
nearby.  The two of them quarreled so fiercely that they fell into the
trunk.  The lid closed, the trunk began to roll and, since their house
was on a hill, it rolled with all possible speed until it reached the
market square.  When people saw the rolling trunk, they set up a
hullabaloo.  They shuttered their shops and ran to the synagogue, where
they caused the shofar to be blown.  Finally, in God's good time the
trunk stopped rolling.  The rabbi and all the town's Jews moved
hesitantly toward it.  When the trunk was opened the melamed and his wife
leaped out.
    And that's why the rabbi and the community leaders established
the three rules and caused them to be inscribed in the synagogue.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 12:20:28 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Vanity Plates  (A.K.A. Vain Plates) part 1

  VANITY PLATE SUMMARY  (6/19/88)

  10SNE1          ;tennis, anyone?
  14U2C           ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
  1GOTO1          ;Silicon Valley License plate
  2DBCH           ;To the Beach!
  2ED4ED          ;Certainly Ed owns the car
  2GOOD4U         ;on a cheap oldsmobile
  2HSPRN          ;2 required at bed time?
  2QIK4U          ;RX-7
  3NON            ;Read this upside-down
  4GETIT          ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
  4SURE           ;fer shure
  55N-UP          ;55mph and up
  6 KIDS          ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
  9FOFO           ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
  A 4X4X8         ;on a Honda
  A-SLAAB         ;on a Saab
  ALICE           ;on a white Rabbit
  ASLAAB          ;on a Saab
  AU YLOKS        ;(Goldilocks)
  BAA BAA         ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
  BCNU2           ;Be seeing you too
  BEACHN          ;Beaching!
  BESIDES         ;Sideline beekeeper
  BEYOND          ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon
  BIG BUX         ;on a Ferrari 308
  BIRDIE          ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
  BKEEPR          ;Bee keeper
  BY YALL         ;on a Porsche 911
  BYE-BYE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
  BYMYHNY         ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
  CAR BUF         ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
  CLICHE          ;on a BMW!
  CME4DK          ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
  CRAY Z          ;Crazy
  CULATR          ;See you Later,
  DAD IOU         ;on a Trans Am
  DNTSMKE         ;Don't smoke
  DUTY            ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
  DUTY            ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
  DV-DT           ;on a Honda Civic Si
  E FUDD          ;A bugs bunny fan

Ted Kennette   [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 12:40:55 -0500
Reply-To:     "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      People that you meet in the bathroom (fwd)

***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward                      *                                      *
* Career Center                    * Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.   *
* The George Washington University *                                      *
***************************************************************************


-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
-    20 different people    -
-    that you meet in the   -
-      mens bathroom        -
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

1) Excitable   : Short half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable    : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross eyed  : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid       : Can't piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
5) Indifferent : All urinals taken, pisses in sink.
6) Clever      : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor
7) Worried     : Not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous   : Plays stream up, stream down, and tries to hit other urinals.
9) Absent minded:Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish   : Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see bubbles
11) Sneak      : Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent.
12) Patient    : Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hands.
13) Desperate  : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough      : Bangs dick on the side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient  : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16) Fat        : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoe.
17) Little     : Stands on a box, falls in ad drowns.
18) Drunk      : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled: Stands for a while, fires up, walks away.
20) Conceited  : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Concieved by THE SEATTLE SAINT

Re-typed and re-edited by CRACK-MAN.

Call:

-Digital Domain        313/399-9472 (bbs)
-Shatter house         501/490-0334 (ae/bbs)
-Zero Page             305/983-4134 (ae/bbs 10 megs)
-Edge of Infinity      313/649-3457 (bbs featuring USER CONTROL LANGUAGE)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 20:26:37 EET
Reply-To:     Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Just jokes

 Hey, David K, could you please contact me again.
 My response to you was sent back to me...
 ... by Mailer-daemon! There is somethin' wrong
 here.
-----------------
 "Hey, there is one bed free in mad-house! "
 "What, you just left there? "  --- heard in classroom

 "Why did you kiss my daughter last night? "
 "Now that I have seen her in daylight, I wonder it myself. "

 /* Stingyville comes from word stingy (could`nt think of better :-) */

 Two men from Stingyville vere walking thru wood.
 Suddenly one man has to go behind the bush. (You know why :-)
 After little while, he asks for paper.
 Second man answers: "No. I guess you have to leave it there."

 New vet in Stingyville was very suprised to see a pig with wooden leg.
 "I have never seen that before! What has happened with him? "
 "We don't kill entire pig for one yule gammon, " said the owner.

 There was a big car accident in Stingyville, and local newspapers
 had big headlines:
 MOTORBIKE OFF THE ROAD, 8 PASSANGERS INJURED!

 Man from Stingyville went to restoran with his wife.
 He looks at menu, and then said: "I'll only take the salad.
 What do you only take?"

 They don't use refrigerator in Stingyville: they are'nt sure the light goes
 off when they close the door.

 White cop looks at black man who is shot near the Harlem.
 There are 48 bullet holes in his body (not cop's :-)
 "Man, what a terrible suicide" he says while writing raport.
                  -no offence

 Heard in re-election campaign:
 "Our country was on the edce of gulf. We have made a big step
  forvard during my ruling time."

 Sven Friberg <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 12:54:00 PST
Reply-To:     JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JEFF BAUMAN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      license plate

Seen on a Jaguar with a 12-cyl engine:

                     HADAV8
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 15:58:05 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Looking for sympathy

One of the few useful things I learned from the military came from a small
sign behind my First Sergeant's desk: If your looking for sympathy look in the
dictionary between suicide and syphilis.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 16:18:08 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Asking the obvious, courtroom humor

Mary Louise Gilman has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court.

 > > >
     Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
     A.  I will be three months November 8th.
     Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
     A.  Yes.
     Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
 > > >
     Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
     A.  I should be.
     Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
     A.  Four times.
 > > >
     Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
     A.  Yes, sir.
     Q.  Before or after he died?
 > > >
     Q.  What happened then?
     A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
         identify me."
     Q.  Did he kill you?
     A.  No.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 22:12:00 -0600
Reply-To:     LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         LAURIE ROACH 715-232-1898 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Vanity Plates (A.K.A. Vain Plates) part 1

Ted, a surgeon in my city has a Rolles Royce with a plate
that says 2ND CAR.  He specializes in "breast" surgery,
making them both larger and smaller.  Not usually on the
same person.

Another funny plate story involves my car.  My plate says
NT4HRB (Not for Herb).  My husband, Joe, (The Herb part is
a LONG story) hates it when we go places and use that car.
The only time he thought it was funny, and boy did we wish
we'd had a camera with us, was when we parked at a mall.
When we came out the car next to us said HRBSCAR (Herb's
car)  I only hope they saw my plate!

Laurie Roach
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 18:05:34 -0500
Reply-To:     WEOS-FM <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         WEOS-FM <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Here are some plates seen in this area:

Here are some plates seen in this area:

U4EA      Euphoria
BARTLAX    Hobart LACROSSE
DR MOM
LAX CAT   on Mickey Miles, U of AZ Lacrosse Coach's Car
2 WATT    This was on a red porsche driven by an unbelievable blond woman

enjoy

Michael Black
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 18:29:33 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Women's words <amusing origins>

BOUDOIR

From the French bouder, "pout." So a boudoir is a room where madam can go and
sulk. A lady can also do so in her sulky: a carriage for one. When she sulks,
she might say to herself, "Je m'en fous comme de l'an quarante." It literally
means, "I don't care any more about it than for the year 40," in the sense of
"I couldn't care less." It apparently survives from a Crusader's expression,
Je m'en fous comme de l'al-Koran, "I don't care any more about it than for the
Koran."


BRIDAL

A bridal party is expected to drink a lot. The word comes from the Old English
"bride-ale" that was drunk at marriages before champagne became the rule.

A buxom bride should love, honor and above all obey, since the word originally
meant "pliant" or "obedient."

Her consort was formerly the goom or "man." He was rather insulting reduced to
a mere stableboy--groom--by folk-etymology.


FLIRT

Flirt started out from Italy long ago referring to flowers, and reappaered
there from England as a romantic euphemism.

Italian picture magazines like to print breathless accounts of the latest
Riviera playboy "passando un idillio con la sua ultimissima flirt" (making out
with a groovy chick), pronounced fleert. They consider this delicate
expression for mistress quite English, but in fact it comes from the French
fleureter, and ultimately from Italian fiorare, to "throw bouquets" of
compliments. The idea is echoed in the Spanish expression for making
flattering comments to a passing girl: echar flores, to "throw flowers."


PERFUME

A woman's perfume derives from Latin fumus, "smoke": the smoke or incense
arising from a burning sacrifice in ancient religions.

(Source: John Train, Remarkable Words with Astonishing Origins)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 18:52:43 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bald men and proctologist joke <tasteless>

Question: Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

Answer: So they can run their fingers through their hair.



Question: What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?

Answer: A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 15:49:23 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jonni Burnham <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mathmatical axioms (vulgar)

and it has been postulated that:

the angle of the dangle is in inverse proportion to the heat of the meat and
the mass of the ass.

local color (the trial involving the misappropriated manhood by the
machete method): The officer that recovered John Wayne's missing
member declined to pick the organ up initially.  Looking around, he found
a suitable container in the form of a "Big Bite" box next to the -4store
dumpster.  Probably an improvement over the original contents - certainly
fresher.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 17:27:42 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.C     A collection of clean humor gathered on:  5 Sep 88

----------------------------------------------------

MORE PEOPLE DIED AT CHAPPAQUIDIK THAN AT 3-MILE ISLAND

     A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers
more than he hates his wife.

     A friend of mine is taking a sign language course.  We were sitting around
with some other friends the other night and someone asked her "Why are you
taking sign language?"  My dead-pan answer: "It's a prerequisite for Italian"

     One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked
"What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute
and replied "Spinach!?".

     Remember the good old days where you decided which candidate to vote for
by asking who would do the most good?  Now you ask who will do the least harm.

Interviewer:    Congratulations on winning the lottery.
Farmer:         Thank you.
Interviewer:    Do you have any special plans for spending the money?
Farmer:         Not really.  I'm just gonna keep farming 'til it's gone.

        How about the teenager who broke into a neighbor's house,
stole a book of checks, wrote himself a check for $100, and then cashed it.

+-----------------------------+
| Horsemilk, SD               |
| Population:     4238        |
| Elevation:      3015        |
| Founded:        1928        |
| Total:          9181        |
+-----------------------------+

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Yet Another Stupid Clerk
I think one of the most incredible U.S. geography gaffs is the following:

An former governor of New Mexico got sent an IRS form having to do with the
witholding of interest from foreign nationals if they haven't resided in the
US in the past year.  He ignored it until they actually witheld money, at
which point he started complaining.  I believe he had to get to the under
secretary of the Treasury before they caught on to the fact that New Mexico
was not part of Mexico.  Something about Sen. Pete Domenici (R, N.M. ) being
the chairman of an IRS oversight committee tipped them off, I think.

----------------------------------------------------

One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:

<person 1>: Gee, I don't get it..
<person 2>: What's wrong?
<p1>: My card wont work.
<p2>: Did anything happen to it?
<p1>: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while
      so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it...
      Now it isn't working at all!

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Hardware Question of the Day

A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse
card.  After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can
you hold on while I give it a try?"

The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the reciever was
set down.  The following conversation ensued:

(in whispers)

"He's right.  It is on page 9."
"I told you to look in the book."
"I know, I know.  He's still on the line.  You talk to him."
"I didn't call him.  I didn't screw up.  You talk to him."
"Why don't you just hang it up.  Maybe he won't notice."
"Okay."

Cluck.  Click.  Buzz (dial tone).
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 17:27:53 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.C     A collection of clean humor gathered on:  5 Sep 88

For tomorrow
----------------------------------------------------

The following is an article from the magazine "Utne Reader":

Who would believe that the battle between the gold and the silver standard
in turn-of-century U.S. politics would make a good plot for a children's fantasy book?

 And who would believe that a story as delightful as "The Wizard of Oz" could
also have meaning for adults?

  "In These Times" (Feb. 19, 1987) exposes Oz as a parable of populism, the
1890s Midwestern political movement led by William Jennings Bryan.  The populists
challenged Eastern banks and railroads, which they charged with oppressing
farmers and industrial workers.  Bryan felt that farmers were being crucified
on a cross of gold; a switch to silver-backed curency would make money plentiful for all.

  Oz author L. Frank Baum was a populist-and also a bit of a fantasizer.
 As editor of a South Dakota newspaper, he advised poor farmers to feed wood
shaving to starving livestock, after fitting the veasts wth special green
glasses so they would think they were eating grass.

  After Bryan's 1896 bid for the presidency failed, Baum was moved to write
the first of his long-running Oz series.

  The allegory begins with the title: Oz is short for ounce, the measure
for gold.  Dorothy, hailing from the populist stronghold of Kansas, represents
the common person.  The Tin Woodsman is the industrial worker who is rusted
solid, referring to the factories shut down in the 1893 depression.  The
Scarecrow is the farmer who lacks the brains to realize his own political
interests.  And the Cowardly Lion is Bryan himself, with a loud orator's
roar but little else.

  After vanquishing the Wicked Witch of the East (the Eastern banker) Dorothy
frees the Munchkins (the little people).  With the witch's silver slippers
(the silver standard), Dorothy starts down the Yellow Brick Road (the gold
standard) to the Emerald City (Washington).  There the group meets the Wizard
(the president), who, like all good politicians, appears as whatever people
wish to see.  When the Wizard is defrocked, the Scarecrow denounces him as
a humbug, which is the core of Baum's message, writes Michael A. Genovese
in the Minneapolis Star Tribune (March 22, 1988)

  Dorothy saves the day by dousing the Wicked Witch of the West with water,
evoking the drought that was plaguing Midwestern farms at the time.  The
Wizard flies away in a hot-air balloon, the Scarecrow is left in charge of
Oz, the Tin Woodsman rules the East, and the Cowardly Lion returns to the
forest-Bryan had lost the election.

  In the 1939 movie starring Judy Garland, the populist parable lost out
to Hollywood escapism, and Dorothy's silver slippers were inexplicably changed
to ruby.  However, Baum might have applauded the use of black and white film
depicting the grim reality of Kansas farm fortunes and color storck for the
fantasy world of Oz.  And the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" suited well
the populist dream.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 22:48:21 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Luks <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Vanity Plates  (A.K....

One for Mustang drivers:  I8NIROC
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 23:19:12 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Luks <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive <beastiality?>

Here's a variation on the "Why do dogs lick themselves/Because they can"
line:

A man and his dog are playing fetch or whatever in the park.  The dog gets
tired and sits down to "wash".  As the dog is sitting there licking its groin
area, another man walks up and looks down pensively.  He says to the dog's
owner:  Man, I wish I could do that!  To which the owner replies:  Well, go
over there and pet him, maybe he'll let you.


(\/) PL (\/)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 10:45:40 MEZ
Reply-To:     Christian Doll <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christian Doll <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Germany - USA

Hi!

Here's one that's quite popular in Germany at the moment.

NOTE: Helmut Kohl is Germany's Prime Minister

----------------------------------------------------
The United States have

  Bill Clinton
  Johny Cash
  Stevie Wonder
  Bob Hope

Germany has

  Helmut Kohl
  No cash
  No wonder
  No hope


Christian Doll
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 08:24:32 -0500
Reply-To:     Tom Murphy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tom Murphy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      license plate

Seen on a BMW 325i convertible

                IB6UB9

Murf
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 08:30:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      religion and airliner crashes  (technical body language)

a priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a cross-country
flight, when the captain came on the loudspeaker and said that the
passengers should prepare for a crash landing.

the priest and rabbi both made the sign of the cross at the same time, much
to the wonderment of the priest!

he was so confused that he asked the rabbi, "when did the jewish people
start making the sign of the cross?"

the rabbi answered, "what cross?  i'm just checking: [and here you have to
make the sign of the cross, using one touch as you say each word]
spectacles; testicles; bankbook; checkbook!"

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 08:53:32 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Racist Joke

Why do blacks hate aspirin?

a. It's white
b. It works
c. You have to pick through cotton to get to it
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 12 Jan 1994 08:54:03 EDT
Reply-To:     "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mild

Did you hear about the guy who goosed a ghost?


He ended up with a handful of sheet!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 09:48:34 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Vanity Plates (A.K.A. Vain Plates) part 2

  VANITY PLATE SUMMARY  (6/19/88)
  FIT2SKI         ;Fit to ski
  FLEWBYU         ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
  FORDBBQ         ;on a ford pinto
  FRAUD           ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
  FUNHOG          ;seen in Montana
  GO4IT           ;Go for it!
  GONSNO          ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
  GR8LAKE         ;Great Lake(s)
  GR8SPCL         ;Great Specials
  GSNDHT          ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
  GUT-SEE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
  HIHO AG         ;hi ho silver!
  HITECH          ;High Technology
  I SK8           ;I skate/ice skate
  I12BNZC         ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
  I8NY            ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
  IAML8           ;I am late on a white rabbit
  IAMYY4U         ;I am too wise for you
  IB2BAD          ;I Be too bad
  IBCNU           ;I'll be seeing ya!
  ICU812          ;I see you ate one too!
  IMA10           ;I'm a 10!
  IMATEN          ;I'm a 10!
  IMB4U           ;I'm before you!
  IMEZRU          ;I'm a zuru
  INYORI          ;In Your Eye...
  IOAA            ;(I owe AA)
  IONO1           ;I owe no one
  IX XIV          ;on a Porsche 914
  IXIVIV          ;on a Porsche 944
  KPOOM           ;on a small car
  LEMON           ;on a late model Mustang convertible
  LUV DAD         ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
  MAGIC           ;on a Corvette
  MINE            ;on a Lincoln Town car
  MY CAR          ;at least now we know who owns that car...
  MY DEBT         ;on a New York car
  MYREVNG         ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
  MYZRATI         ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
  NICE EH         ;on a REALLY beat up car
  NOBODY          ;on a Rolls Royce
  NOBRKS          ;no brakes!
  NONE            ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
  NOPLATE         ;Funny when on paper
  NOT FAT         ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
  NOT HOT         ;on a Porsche 924
  NRVOUS          ;on a red porsche 911  (he was driving cautiously)
  NTOTO2          ;And toto too

Ted Kennette [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 08:00:35 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Curt Nelson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Bobbitt jokes

...Another Bobbitt joke (will it ever stop?)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 10:30:23 -0500
Reply-To:     Dick Sweat <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dick Sweat <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Mild
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Wed, 12 Jan 1994, William A. Reitwiesner wrote:

> Did you hear about the guy who goosed a ghost?
>
>
> He ended up with a handful of sheet!
>

Just a political sidenote here: The DJ who offered this on-air joke in
1959 was fired by his station after the FCC threatened to pull the
broadcaster's license.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 08:13:14 -0800
Reply-To:     "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "[e-mail]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rush Limbaugh

sorry if you've heard this one...

the difference between rush limbaugh and god?...

god doesn't think he's rush limbaugh.


                     /   /
                    /   /
                   /---/
                  /   /
              ============
                O     O                     todd
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 09:55:11 CST
Reply-To:     Thomas <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Thomas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ODE TO MAMMAGRAM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

                     ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

For years and years they told me,
     Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or burise them,
     and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
     And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
     and always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
     The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
     to look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close", she said,
     As she got my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts", she said,
     "AH YES! THERE! THAT'S FINE".

She stepped upon a pedal,
     I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
     My boob was in a vise.

My skin was stretched and stetched,
     From way up by my chin.
And my poor boob was being squashed,
     To swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
     Within its vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    Was my poor defenseless tit.

"Take a deep breath", she said to me,
    Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
    And woozy I am getting.

"THERE, THAT WAS GOOD", I heard her say,
    As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one",
    Lord have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
    It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
    To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
    I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
    It would have popped...KER POW!!

This machine was designed by a man,
    Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
    And see how they come out!

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



           õ$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$õ
          õ    SEE YA.....CAUSE I WOULDN'T WON'T TO BE YA!!!!! õ
           õ$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$õ

           _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/   _/  _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/_/_/  _/_/_/_/
           _/      _/  _/   _/_/ _/  _/   _/ _/   _/  _/  _/     _/
           _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/ _/_/  _/   _/ _/_/_/   _/_/_/     _/
               _/  _/  _/   _/  _/   _/   _/ _/   _/  _/  _/     _/
           _/_/_/  _/  _/   _/   _/  _/_/_/  _/    _/ _/  _/     _/
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 12:31:03 EST
Reply-To:     "Worldwide Pants inc." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Worldwide Pants inc." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lorena Bobbit (Rated PG-13)

Did you hear that once Elvis was almost a spokesman against drugs?
That's like asking Lorena Bobbit to carve the turkey.

**************************************************
*Karl Gust                                       *
*[e-mail] or                          *
* [e-mail]                 *
* "Do or do not, there is not try"               *
*              -Yoda                             *
**************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 12:40:29 -0500
Reply-To:     Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Not offensive

As they say for almost all made-for-TV movies now-a-days:  "Based on a
true story."

My dad worked for years for a textile factory.  He was a machinist whose
job it was to repair many of the machines when they went down.  Once they
got a bobbin clearer, and the person who sold it to the factory told my
dad that the clearer was "fool-proof."  Within a week it was down.  The
salesman who was also the technician for the company that made the
machine came to repair it.  When my dad asked him what was wrong, he
replied, "Some fool didn't do what he was supposed to do before loading
the bobbins in the hopper!"  My dad said, "I thought you told me that the
machine was fool-proof."  The technician/salesman immediately replied,
"Excuse me, some DAMN FOOL didn't do what he was supposed to do before
loading the bobbins in the hopper!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 14:32:36 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Thomas Rowe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbit jokes

I just heard an analysis from a friend that there is no way Lorena Bobbit can
be convicted.   No hard evidence.

Don't feel too sorry for John Bobbit, though.  How much respect can you have
for a guy that keeps running around half-cocked?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 11:59:12 PST
Reply-To:     "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Taxing Question

Subject: A Taxing Question

From The Wall Street Journal, January 12, 1994:

Breaking the language barrier: Now that the IRS is providing a
Spanish-language Form 1040A to some regions, tax lawyer Conrad Teitell
asks: "Can IRS forms written in English be far off?"


Regards,                                       The "OTHER" Washington
                                           ____________________________
Michael J. Irvin                           \   /\/\             /\  /\|
Computer Services Consultant    P   ______  |  /\/\               /\  |
Information Technology          aO \      / \   /\          Spokane + |
Washington State University     cc \  /\ \   |+Seattle                |
Pullman, WA 99164-1222          ie  |  /\ \ /    /\                   |
U.S.A.                          fa   \     |     /\                   |
                                in   |          /\      Pullman/WSU->*|
Telephone: [phone]         c     \        /\          ____________\
BITNet:   IRVINMJ@WSUVM1               ----\   /\    _____/
Internet: [e-mail]        \-------/
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 14:16:25 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mark Goehring <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limericks -offensive to people with taste-

Seeing all the posts about vanity plates made me think of my own truck.
I have a '79 El Camino (yes, those half truck/half cars things) and have
plates that read L CMINO.  Granted it isn't hilarious, but neither were
all the others....

Ok, here are some of my favorite Limericks.... For those of you who don't
know, a limerick consists of 5 lines.  Lines 1,2,and5 should ryhme and be
the same length.  Lines 3 and 4 should also rhyme and be the same
length.  This is important to know since two of mine blatantly disobey
these rules!!!

First, a normal one...

A wise old bird is the Pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
He can store in his beak,
enough food for a week.
ALthough I'll be damned if I can see how the hell he can.

There was a young man from Japan
Who wrote a verse that would never scan.
When they said, "but the thing..."
"Doesn't go with a wing!"
He said, "Yes, I know.  But I always like to try to get as many words
into the last line as I possibly can!"

There was a young man from St. Bees
Who got stung in the arm by a wasp.
When asked if it hurt,
He replied, "no is doesn't.."
"I'm certainly glad it wasn't a hornet."

Finally, a little hiku from the poetic bard, Butt-head...
That was cool huh huh
When we killed that frog huh huh
It won't croak again!

Thanks to everyone who sent me the Holy Grail files.... I am now up to my
ears in Knights who say NEEEE!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 15:44:44 EST5EDT
Reply-To:     Susan Walker <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Susan Walker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bobbit jokes

> I just heard an analysis from a friend that there is no way Lorena Bobbit can
> be convicted.   No hard evidence.
>
> Don't feel too sorry for John Bobbit, though.  How much respect can you have
> for a guy that keeps running around half-cocked?
>

They will never convict Lorena Bobbitt.  The evidence won't stand up
in court.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 13:12:13 PT
Reply-To:     Don Chamberlain <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     CO1      PSDEC    01/13/94 13:12:43 SSW1
From:         Don Chamberlain <[e-mail]>
Subject:      NOTE 01/13/94 13:12:00

      SCO Support Services
      322-0531
SET HUMOR CONCEAL
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 13:06:38 CST
Reply-To:     Mike Tabat <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Tabat <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Bobbit Joke (PG-13)

Heard the following on Letterman lastnight:

"Rumor has it that on the night of the alleged crime, Lorena Bobbit actually
*wanted* to have sex.  The only problem is, she wanted it to go."



##########################################
                     \     |            |
Mike Tabat            \    | ____    ___|
[e-mail]    |   /  |        |
Dallas, TX          |  /   |        |
                  __|    __|     ___|
##########################################
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 16:41:42 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick--seduction dream

There once was a woman from Brewster
Who believed that a man had seduced her
But she woke with a scream
It was only a dream
'Twas only the bedspring that goosed her.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 15:50:00 -00
Reply-To:     MIKE TOMLIANOVICH <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MIKE TOMLIANOVICH <[e-mail]>
Subject:      new element

A very learned and experienced colleague just sent me this:

 FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!  FLASH!

              BOEING DISCOVERS NON-REACTIVE CHEMICAL

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
Boeing physicists.  The element, tentatively known as
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an
atomic number of 0.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles
are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However,
it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it
comes into contact with.  According to the discoverers, a minute
amount of Administratium caused one reaction over four days to
complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Adminstratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years,
at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes
a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons,
and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have
shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate
at certain points such as government agencies, large
corporations and universities, and can actually be found in
the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can
be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to
date are not promising.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 17:24:31 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: More Bobbit Jokes.

Date: 13 Jan 94 16:19:49 UTC
From:  <PTYLER   AT TULSAJC>
To:    <HUMOR    AT UGA>
Subject: Uncl: More Bobbit Jokes.

My boss says that Lorena Bobbit cut her husbands penis
off on purpose.  So he could have an extra "ridge."

Pamela G. Tyler, Secretary             [phone]
Tulsa Junior College                   Fax: [phone]
3727 E. Apache, Room 1452              Student Health Services
Tulsa, Oklahoma  74115-3151            ptyler@tulsajc
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 14:21:09 PST
Reply-To:     T Cox <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         T Cox <[e-mail]>
Subject:      off. to some

"WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBANDS PENIS, THEN DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!"

Don't laugh, its true and it could happen to you!!!

Right now thousands of agitated irate women have read that headline and are
contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted
sexual advance, look at them the wrong way , or just piss them off in
general.

               Men, protect yourselves now!!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (chop and drop syndrome) could you be
sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and
intact?  Could you be sure the penis part they found was yours?

          Inquire now about our low cost penis protection plan.

Plan1 - We'll Register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own
unique registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you'll get
a perfect match everytime.

plan 2 - Our Jurassic prick program - We'll take a cell sample from your
penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a tractor trailer
runs over your penis or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a
chew toy.**

Plan 3 - For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size
fits all battery operated stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when
necessary, when your asleep an alarm will become activated when metal or
other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock strap.  This will
guarantee you a full nights sleep free of worry.

                    Don't get caught short...
                    call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!
               Remember ... The dick you save could be your own!!!



**Prices vary according to size.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 17:32:54 -0500
Reply-To:     "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Bobbitisms

John Bobbitt: permanently ribbed for her pleasure.  EEEEEEEWWWWWW! :)

***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward                      *                                      *
* Career Center                    * Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.   *
* The George Washington University *                                      *
***************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 18:36:59 -0500
Reply-To:     Scott <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Scott <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to Newfies

(For our U.S. cousins, Newfies are inhabitants of Newfoundland, Canada)

Two Newfies decide to go fishing. So they rent a rowboat and row out into the
middle of the lake. They cast their lines in and wait. After an hour, they
still haven't caught anything. So the first Newfie says to the second one:
"Let's try another spot, eh?". So they row further down the lake and cast their
lines in again. After another hour, they still haven't caught anything. Again
the first Newfie suggests: "Let's try yet another spot, eh?". So they row to
another spot and cast their lines in again. Suddenly, they're catching fish at
a furious rate. "We better mark this spot for next time, eh?" says the first
Newfie. So he takes a piece of chalk and marks an 'X' in the bottom of the
rowboat. Well, the second Newfie shakes his head in disgust as he watches this.
"Are you ever stupid!" he says. "I can't believe how dumb you are! What if we
don't get the same boat next time?!!!".
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 23:14:41 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Luks <[e-mail]>
Subject:      warning:  (homo)-SEXUAL content

THIS IS NOT AN ANTI-GAY JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many people may be familiar with this joke, which I first read in a National
Lampoon (joke magazine?):

Three misionaries are travelling through the jungle, when they happen upon a
VERY hostile tribe....

   The tribal warriors capture and tie the three misionaries to separate
trees.  The chief of the warrior tribe approaches the first missionary and in
a disdainful voice asks:

"Death, or Chi-Chi?"

   The requesting of his own death being against his religion, the missionary
chooses the mysterious option of Chi-Chi.  At this point, the tribe attacks
the missionary, raping and beating him for over 30 minutes, and leaving him a
mere husk of his former self.

   The other two missionaries are understandably appaled at this display.
When the tribal chief approaches the second missionary, he asks the same
question:

"Death, or Chi-Chi?"

   The second missionary weighs his options, considering the treatment of his
colleague vs. his religious convictions.  He finally decides to honor his
sacred vows regarding his own death, and tells the chief that he will accept
Chi-Chi.  Upon hearing this, the tribe screams in adulation, and proceeds to
rape and beat the missionary for the next half hour.

   Finally, the chief comes to the last missionary and asks:

"Death, or Chi-Chi?"

   By this point, the last remaining missionary is on the verge of insanity,
having seen his two colleagues so brutally assualted.  He decides to abandon
his religious beliefs, and submit to death at the hands of savages, rather
than suffer the apparent consequences.

"Chi-Chi !!", he says...

To which the chief replies:

"DEATH it is, but first Chi-Chi!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 23:16:26 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Please answer the question or Simon says <courtroom humor>

Mary Louise Gilman has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books - Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court.

 > > >
     Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
     A.  No.
     Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
     A.  Picking them up in the air.
     Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
     A.  Attached to the ears.
 > > >
     Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
         deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
     A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
 > > >
     Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?
         What school do you go to?
     A.  Oral.
     Q.  How old are you?
     A.  Oral.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
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3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 13 Jan 1994 23:40:42 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Luks <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: warning:  (homo)-SEX...

of course, the last reply should be Chi-Chi.....

SORRY!!!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 09:27:04 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bobbit jokes

=> They will never convict Lorena Bobbitt.  The evidence won't stand up
=> in court.
=>

Even if they did, what would the sentence be? Hard labour?
Or a long stretch?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 08:55:35 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Scriven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      International limmericks (offensive to Fr?)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From:    P. Scriven           Tel. 2718
         R. 19.16, Rijswijk Main, EPO, The Hague, NL
         IEA:  [e-mail]
Subject: International limmericks (offensive to Fr?)

Er was eens een belgische vrouw,
Die zei:  "Bind me vast met een touw!"
Zei ik:  "Dat gaat niet,
En het helpt ook geen biet,
Al geef ik je soms eens een douw!"

There once was a woman called Bobbit,
Whose husband was violent.  To stop it,
She cut off his dick.
Now she's in the nick,
And it's most likely she'll cop it.

There once was a cat in a hat,
Who really was mad as a bat.
He chased his own tail,
And ate like a snail,
But still was incredibly fat.

Un bonhomme qui ecrivait des rimes,
Dit:  "Things are not as they seem.
I'm really not French,
(In spite of the stench)."
Doch wohnte er manchmal in Nimes.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 07:59:26 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Curt Nelson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Bobbitt jokes (2nd try)

Yesterday I posted this:
>
>...Another Bobbit joke (will it ever stop?)
>

Well, guess what?  There was *supposed* to be more!  I guess while
I was crusing down the information highway, my jokes must have
taken the wrong exit! :-)

It was Dave Barry who said, "Without computers, it would be virtually
impossible for us to accomploiwur xow;gkc,mf(*&("

Mike Tabat beat me to the punch with this yesterday, but I'll
repeat it...

        In court testimony on Wednesday, Lorena Bobbit revealed
        that she *did* want to have sex with John on that fateful
        night...

        ... she just wanted it *to go*!!!

                                - stolen from Dave Letterman
                                  January 12, 1994
                                  (intellectual property of CBS)

... OK, OK, if you insist, one more Bobbit joke:
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 09:55:01 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Vanity Plates (A.K.A. Vain Plates) part 3

  VANITY PLATE SUMMARY  (6/19/88)
  OBJET           ;on a Dodge Dart
  OHGOOD          ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
  OK DIE          ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
  OMEGA1          ;on a Jaguar Xj6
  PAWSH           ;on a Porsche
  POORSCH         ;on an RX-7 Turbo
  RACN            ;Racing
  RARE            ;on a 55 Chevy
  REBOS           ;(sober, backwards)
  REDDVL          ;on a 911 turbo
  RU4REAL         ;Are you for real?
  RUAG8D8         ;Are you a great date?
  RUBZ            ;Are you busy?
  RUBZ2NT         ;Are you busy tonite?
  RUMRS2          ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
  RUNVUS          ;Are you envious?
  STOP            ;Get the message?
  STORK1          ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
  SWTPEA          ;on a green Porsche 911
  THANXDAD        ;well, what can I say?
  TIN CAN         ;on a Toyota
  TOFLY           ;on a late model Olds 442
  TWEETY          ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
  U LOSE          ;on a Mustang GT
  UCLAFOX         ;on a Woman's 280ZX
  UNIXINU         ;Unix, forwards and backwards
  UNV ME          ;You envy me
  UR2LOW          ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
  UWANT12         ;You want one too?
  VAN GO          ;for a vanpool
  VANITY          ;plain and simple
  W8LFTR          ;Weightlifter
  WAS HIS         ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
  WHOCARZ         ;Who Cares?
  WHOOSH          ;on a porsche
  WHORU           ;Who are you?
  XXXXXX          ;on a Mercedes
  XYZZY           ;Seen on an Ohio car, the magic word
  YOT YM          ;My toy, backwards
  ZPDUDA          ;Zippity doo dah....

         Ted Kennette             Internet: [e-mail]
         Systems Manager            Bitnet: [e-mail]
         Bentley College

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock"
            "In the immortal words of socrates: I drank what?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 07:28:00 PST
Reply-To:     Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FW: Bobbit jokes

Word has it John Wayne Bobbit is making a radio show appearance circuit.
 He's charging $2000.  A local radio station was trying to figure out an
appropriate contest to run if they had him come in.  They finally decided on
 a "Drive-By wiener toss".  You'd drive by, toss a wiener at the target, and
the person to come closest would get the prize.

The suggested prize was a set of cutlery....

 --JLRH

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=> They will never convict Lorena Bobbitt.  The evidence won't stand up
=> in court.
=>

Even if they did, what would the sentence be? Hard labour?
Or a long stretch?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 08:57:05 CST
Reply-To:     THOMAS <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         THOMAS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      GRANDFATHERS'  WISDOM

Hey did your grandfather ever tell you the story about the bird that
waited too late to fly south.  Anyway his wings froze up and he fell
thru a hole in this barn.  He landed on some hay in the cows' pen, his
wings were frozen so he couldn't move.  Then the cow shited on his
wings, the bird said this is good and bad.  Good because the shit is so
warm it has defrosted my wings, bad because now I have shit on my wings
and it's kind of heavy, it smells and I can't get up.  So a cat
comes along and licks the shit off the bird wings.  The bird says thank
you and the cat says no problem.  The cat then eats the bird.


***   The moral of this story is that everyone who shits on you is not
      your enemy and everyone that takes the shitoff of you is not your
      friend.  Grandfathers are so wise....     ***********

                                                   LATER


           õ$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$õ
          õ    SEE YA.....CAUSE I WOULDN'T WON'T TO BE YA!!!!! õ
           õ$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$õ

           _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/   _/  _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/_/_/  _/_/_/_/
           _/      _/  _/   _/_/ _/  _/   _/ _/   _/  _/  _/     _/
           _/_/_/  _/_/_/   _/ _/_/  _/   _/ _/_/_/   _/_/_/     _/
               _/  _/  _/   _/  _/   _/   _/ _/   _/  _/  _/     _/
           _/_/_/  _/  _/   _/   _/  _/_/_/  _/    _/ _/  _/     _/
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 10:37:18 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Radio one-liners

You may want to compile a list of Radio "one-liners" like:
WKDU:  More static, more of the time....
You're listening to WKDU.  No one else is, but you are.
This is KFJC and you are listening to our hour-long music-free commercial
sweep.
WQHS.  73 on your AM dial.  Or, if you have an expensive radio, 730.
Are your friends laughing at you?  Maybe it's because you are not listening
to WQHS, 730 on your AM dial, on the University of Pennsylvania campus.  Or
maybe it's because you're ugly.
This has been xxx at KFJC reminding you that animals are your friends, but they
won't pick you up at the airport.
WKDU:  Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of POWER!
Hi.  This is Swamp Thing and we say that you should listen to WQHS because...
because... , well, do you REALLY have anything better to do?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 12:01:18 -0500
Reply-To:     Dick Sweat <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dick Sweat <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: warning: (homo)-SEX...
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

On Thu, 13 Jan 1994, Phil Luks wrote:

> of course, the last reply should be Chi-Chi.....

Of course, the last reply should have been "Death !"

>
> SORRY!!!!!!!!
>
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 12:23:57 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Meretta J. Marks" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the "Special of
the Day" was.  "Beef tongue",  answered the waitress.  The guy exclaimed,
"Well, that'll be the day when I eat something that comes from a cow's mouth!
 Give me an egg sandwich!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 12:26:20 -0500
Reply-To:     "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Bobbittisms

They won't send Lorena Bobbitt to jail -- she won't be able to hack it in
a penile institution.

***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward                      *                                      *
* Career Center                    * Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.   *
* The George Washington University *                                      *
***************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 10:47:36 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      television and irony

I've been watching the tube over the last few days and a number of
incidents struck me as humorously ironic.

First: Did anyone catch a news clip on Bill Clinton's address to NATO
the other night? There was a clip of him speaking about freedom and democracy in
eastern europe wilst outside large crowds gathered around a *huge* telescreen
to watch the face of our beloved Bill.  Kinda reminded me of "1984".  You know,
the kindly face of Bill Clinton talking about freedom while at the same
time projecting an image of oppression.  1984, it's here!!

Second: I was watching a PBS show on the challenge to America in the 21st
century.  The show profiled the education system of Japan, the U.S. and
Germany. At one point the camera revealed a large classroom of Japanese kids
standing up and chanting simultaneously,
 " I WIL BE AN INDIVIDUAL!! I WILL THINK FOR MYSELF!!"

This has Monty pythonesque overtones a la "The life of Brian"
Sometimes real life IS stranger than fiction

ciao fer now
The MEANER WEINER
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 14:34:06 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ron Laffitte <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more Bobbittry

A non-netting colleage points out that the Bobbitt episode, trial and
all, certainly says a lot about our throw-away society.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 15:16:09 CST
Reply-To:     Jim RASMUSSEN <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim RASMUSSEN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Cartoon Humor(offensive Language)

     Mickey Mouse went to see his divorce lawyer.
     His lawyer said that insanity is not grounds for divorce.
     Mickey said, I didn't say she was crazy.
     I said she was fucking Goofy.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 16:20:43 EST
Reply-To:     "ROBERSON II,ROY WAYNE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "ROBERSON II,ROY WAYNE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Political

For those of you who like political jokes.....

Q.  Bill Clinton, Hilary, and Al Gore are all standing on top of the
Empire State Building.  They all fall off at the same time... Who hits
the ground first?

A.  Who Cares?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 14 Jan 1994 14:08:08 PST
Reply-To:     Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bill and Hillary (risque' ,
              offensive to liberals and crossdressers)

After concluding a particularly long staff meeting, Bill Clinton
says to Vice President Gore, "I can't wait to go home and rip
Hillary's panties off."

Gore replies, "Oh?  Feeling a little amorous, eh?"

To which Clinton says, "No.  They're just riding up on me."


                           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
David Clough              _/ "Strange women lying in ponds distributing   _/
[e-mail]   _/  swords is no basis for a system of          _/
Hyster-Yale, Inc.       _/  government.  Supreme executive power is     _/
Portland, Oregon       _/  derived from a mandate from the masses, not _/
"We make fork lifts!" _/  from some farcical aquatic ceremony."       _/
                     _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 01:46:04 -0500
Reply-To:     Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Light Relief (fwd)

I came across this on the "LANTRA-L" list for translators and
interpreters where it was posted by Paul Hellander
<[e-mail]>  I think it is rather humorous.

-------------------------------------------------
FROM THE GUARDIAN WEEKLY, January 9 1994

David Rowan presents the Excessively Distorted Language Awards for 1993

'There is Usually a word for it'

Camille Paglia Award for Verbal Pomposity

To Camille Paglia whose answering machine message goes like this: "You have
reached the voicemail line of Professor Camille Paglia. Due to her pressing
obligations as a teacher and scholar, Professor Paglia cannot personally
return calls. Do not send faxes: Professor Paglia does not accept them. All
packages are opened and inspected by the staff. Unsolicited materials
without return postage may be automatically discarded. Urgent messges may
be left on the tape to be reviewed by the staff. If you do not receive a
reply to your letter or call, please assume that Profesor Paglia is not
interested in your proposal ..."

Native Californian Political Correctness Award

RUNNER UP: Santa Cruz city council, which debated a motion to outlaw
"lookism", the practice of judging people by their looks, on the basis that
some faced discrimination because they were "cosmetically challenged".
WINNER: the Los angeles Times, which banned words such as 'crazy', 'holy
rollers', 'babe', 'queer' and 'ghetto'. This last decision caused some
problem for a Washington Post reporter, keen to discuss the film White men
Can't Jump but careful to retitle it 'There May Be Anthropological
Differences That Account For Variation in Personal Vertical Lift, Though
These Do Not of Course Imply the Kinetic Inferiority of One Ethnic Group
Vis-a-Vis Another.'

Economical With The Actualite` Euphemism Award

RUNNER-UP: General Motors, whose early-retirement programme--in true
job-seeker's allowance mode--is known as "special accelerated attrition".
WINNER: Stephen Pollard, lawyer for the MP George Foulkes, who was found
with a rather high level of alcohol in his blood. Mr Pollard said that his
client had been at a whisky party "as befits an MP concerned with the
blending industry".

Roger Levitt Award For Openness in The City

To those market analysts who decided it was just too awkward being seen
making "sell" recommendations on certain stocks. So they decided that
"sell" should officially be re-named "hold" and then "strong hold" when the
masses got wind of what they meant. Finally they decided that, regarding
dodgy shares, they'd now be "aggressively neutral".

Seriously Lost in Translation Award

WINNER: the Black Dyke Mills brass band, celebrated in Yorkshire since
1815, and due to play Carnegie Hall, New York, last year. Until the hall
detected that "black" and "dyke" might offend both the race and gay lobbies
in one and suggested re-naming it the British Mills Brass Band - "a
national insult, an outrageous suggestion ...".

Ronnie Kray Award For East-End Cultural Enrichment

To Mohammed Ali Abdulslarmov, a 23 year-old Russian studying at Nottingham
University, who called upon to translate (sic) when an elderly Russian
patient had trouble breathing. "He has run out of his breath climbing the
old apples and pears," the student told doctors, "and he doesn't know where
they've put his whistle and flute."
Mohammed, it transpired, had concluded that Cockney slang was the backbone
of nineties English, having learned most of it from watching Only Fools And
Horses and Minder.

:-)))
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 03:07:13 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jay Vanni <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Bill and Hillary (ri...

:D
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 03:37:10 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to people with multiple penises (peni?)

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
                            "Courage is the art of being the only one who
Tim Fenske                   knows you're scared to death." - Earl Wilson
University of Wisconsin     "Smoking kills. When you're killed, you've
M.D./Ph.D. program           lost an important part of your life."
                                - Brooke Shields
=========================================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 11:21:43 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Matt Wrather <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: GRANDFATHERS'  WISDOM

>The moral of this story is that everyone who shits on you is not
>your enemy and everyone that takes the shitoff of you is not your
>friend.  Grandfathers are so wise...

Perhaps another moral would be "If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit,
keep your mouth shut...
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 18:26:42 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      How to make your wife scream after sex <rude>

Q: How do you REALLY keep your wife screaming for hours after sex?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 16:17:11 -0800
Reply-To:     Ezra <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ezra <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (V.offensive) most tasteless joke I've heard

WARNING: This one's pretty offensive;
























What's the worst thing about having sex with a 5 year old?

Getting the blood off the clown suit.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 16:17:15 -0800
Reply-To:     Ezra <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ezra <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Vanity Plates

I just saw this one today

Mercedes 500: TAXSHARK
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 18:26:12 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>

A few Star Trek jokes:

Overheard in a corridor:
Crewman:  "I've got a brother at Starfleet Science Academy."
Crewwoman:  "What's he studying?"
Crewman:  "Nothin'.  They're studying him."

    The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings,
they had trouble deciding how to eat him.  The Kzinti captain had the last
word.  He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a
spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down."

A young man was applying to join Starfleet:
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
"Earth, sir."
"What part?"
"All of me, sir."

Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert?
He never forgets a phaser.

Where does a ten-foot Mugato sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.

What do you call a ten-foot Mugato?
Sir.

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style
six-guns.  You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.

Why was STAR TREK so successful?
It had good Genes.

What would you have if all the Star Trek fans in Switzerland got together?
The Geneva Convention.

Show me a man who is a good loser...and I'll show you a junior officer who is
playing 3-D chess with his captian.

Captain Kirk:  "Since all of you crewmembers performed so inefficiently today,
there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven."
Voice:  "Give me liberty or give me death!"
Kirk:  "Who said that?"
Voice:  "Patrick Henry."

McCoy:  "Should we have a friendly game of cards?"
Kirk:  "No, let's play poker."
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 20:06:26 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Simple riddle <answer? included at the end>

Subject: A very simple riddle
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
Organization: Boston College


Ok, lets see, this outta keep ya busy for a while

  Here's a riddle.

  These three pelicans walk into a beauty parlor,  no wait that's not it,
it was ........a bakery.  Three pelicans walk into a bakery, and one
pelican......no it was a ferrit, three ferrits are now standing in a
sub shop and one of the ferrit's says to the pelican, no ferrit, what would
you like to have for breakfest, lunch, no it was desert.  The other
pelican, ferrit says that he would like to have a cookie, no a brownie,
for lunch, dinner, with his apple pie.  The third ferrit, pelican, animal
with the other two, three, no two..... exclaims that he has already eaten
breakfest, lunch, diner, ice cream and decides that he will wait in the
car, taxi, he's gonna take a bus.  So the others say that they will meet
him later, tomorrow, no it was in exactly seven weeks, and they wave
goodbye.  So my question for you is, what was the name of the squirrel
driving the bus, truck, no I am sure it was a train?

[Note: always post the answer with your riddles! Leaving the answer out is
telling a joke and expecting us to wait until the next post of read the
punchline. Hey, this was a joke :-), not a real riddle]

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
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=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 15 Jan 1994 22:49:24 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Phil Luks <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbit trial

One thing is for sure about the Lorena Bobbit trial:  It won't end with a
hung jury.

(\/) Phil Luks (\/)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 00:08:20 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tim Fenske <[e-mail]>
Subject:      cold humor

As most of you know, a blast of bitter cold has struck a large part of the
U.S. during the past week.  One sharp observer in Washington D.C. noticed
that it was so cold that the lawyer/lobyists had their hands in their own
pockets for a change!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
                            "Courage is the art of being the only one who
Tim Fenske                   knows you're scared to death." - Earl Wilson
University of Wisconsin     "Smoking kills. When you're killed, you've
M.D./Ph.D. program           lost an important part of your life."
                                - Brooke Shields
=========================================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 12:51:00 +0200
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Perils of Being a Dentist  [sexual content]

This beautiful woman was in his chair and the dentist felt her
hand move down down over his belt into his crotch. She gently
cups his balls and smiles and says,

"Now we're not going to hurt each other, are we, doctor?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 13:19:38 +0100
Reply-To:     Dirk VanGulik <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dirk VanGulik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      might be offensive to Jors and some puritin Americans

Update on the three ogasms...

This girl, easy to guess the name of her boyfriend, talking
about *four* types of female orgasms....

1st, the positive: Oh Yes, Yes, YEES

2nd, the spiritual, Oh God, Oh God..

3rdly, the negative, Oh No, Noo Noooo !

and
4rdly... the fake: Oh Jor's, Oh Jor's..
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 09:23:21 -0400
Reply-To:     Orlando Doc Griego <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Orlando Doc Griego <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List

From:   IN%"[e-mail]" 14-JAN-1994 22:51:04.88
To:     IN%"[e-mail]"  "Multiple recipients of list"
CC:
Subj:   Top Ten List for 1/13/94

---> January 13, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial
=============================================

10. "Who ordered the Diet Slice?"
 9. "Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?"
 8. "Mr. Bobbitt, please rise"
 7. "I paid $500 for this ticket, now deemed, I want to see Streisand sing!"
 6. "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?"
 5. "One million bucks.  All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu"
 4. "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an idea for
    an ad"
 3. "If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries"
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning
    around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. "I said, place your HAND on the bible"
 1. "Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 15:58:16 GMT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: more Bobbittry

]
]A non-netting colleage points out that the Bobbitt episode, trial and
]all, certainly says a lot about our throw-away society.
]

I do not think people realise, but in sheffield, these jokes
cut us deeper than they do elsewhere..

After all, Lorena uses Sheffield steel knives.

Derryck.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 12:13:40 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Norwegian whaler seen wearing this ... :-)

Thought you might like to hear a whaling slogans I saw on a t-shirt in Norway
recently.... Dolphins...we'd eat them to if we could!

Okay, I haven't been to Norway, but somebody told me about seeing
someone wearing that slogan. Save the whales, Webster
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 16 Jan 1994 12:50:44 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Netiquette <satire>

Original-author: [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to
do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the
message that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that
sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent
messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

                                ------
Q: How should I pick a subject for my articles?

A: Keep it short and meaningless.  That way people will be forced to
actually read your article to find out what's in it.  This means a
bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for.
If you do a followup, be sure and keep the same subject, even if it's
totally meaningless and not part of the same discussion.  If you
don't, you won't catch all the people who are looking for stuff on the
original topic, and that means less audience for you.

                                ------
Q: What sort of tone should I take in my article?

A: Be as outrageous as possible.  If you don't say outlandish things,
and fill your article with libelous insults of net people, you may not
stick out enough in the flood of articles to get a response.  The more
insane your posting looks, the more likely it is that you'll get lots
of followups.  The net is here, after all, so that you can get lots of
attention.

If your article is polite, reasoned and to the point, you may only get
mailed replies.  Yuck!